Relationship Support

Relationships as Replay

When I work with a woman in my Integrative Psychotherapy practice, I encourage her to share her story so that she may see how the patterns in her current life are a potential “replay” of her early relationships with primary caregivers. Acknowledging past difficulties begins the process of creating new experiences in the present and future.

Women who get into relationships that mirror those they had with their abusers mostly do so unconsciously, in an attempt to build mastery. Often they believe, “This time will be different.” Unfortunately, this is rarely the case.

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Relationship Patterns

When a woman describes a current relationship as troubling to her, I will always ask, “Who does this remind you of?” Undoubtedly, conflicts with the other person have “historical” components to them, possessing similar negative dynamics that have appeared in her past, which is why they are extra charged and upsetting. For example, a woman who was bullied as a child may realize that she is being bullied by her current partner. At first she may not see the repeated patterns. In time, however, they will become more obvious, eventually reaching the point of being undeniable.

Identifying historical patterns not only offers a window into how she felt while growing up, but one into her current relationships, as well. Once we identify her relationship patterns, we can plan an approach for correcting behavior, setting boundaries and speaking up.

I work with women to have “corrective experiences” in current times. Corrective experiences are those that challenge clients to bring about new behaviors. Repeated patterns do not only show up for victims of trauma, and are not limited to romantic relationships; one can unintentionally replicate unhealthy historical patterns with friends, bosses, co-workers, etc.

Some women that I work with consider themselves to have “bad luck” when choosing friends or consider themselves bad judges of character. This is not the whole story; while growing up, they were conditioned to make excuses for bad behavior, and may not even realize that they are doing it in adulthood.

Women as Prey

Emotionally manipulative people can prey on women who have been abused as children, as these women are often starved for attention, have low self-esteem, and are easily controlled. Emotional manipulators sense this. They study their target women’s interests and vulnerabilities in order to win her trust and then move the relationship quickly to the next level. These women are flattered, believe they have “finally found the one,” and go along with it.

A woman who is targeted by an emotional manipulator has an inkling that things have moved too fast, or that something is not quite right, but because she has learned to bypass her body’s natural threat detection system, she “lets it happen.” Her partner may tell her that they share a “special relationship” and that it is “true love,” and because she wants to believe it, she allows it to progress quickly.

An emotional manipulator may attempt to isolate their woman from friends and family. They will be possessive and controlling. At first, she sees this as “finally being taken care of.” However, in time, she realizes that she has lost her identity and her voice.

Her partner might gaslight her, making her question her own thoughts and abilities so that they can maintain control. She will make excuses for her partner’s bad behavior.

A relationship with an emotional manipulator can be very difficult to remove oneself from. Some emotional manipulators will stalk their victims, making it necessary for her to get law enforcement involved. I have worked with women on the arduous task of extricating from a relationship from an emotional manipulator. It is not only possible, it is crucial to your wellbeing.

Relationship Lies

Women are unconsciously attracted to partners that feel familiar, and commit to people who end up treating them similarly to their abusers. They remain in these relationships because they were convinced early on that love and abuse can co-exist.

Trauma survivors were raised under the illusion that everything in their household was fine, when it could not have been further from the truth. Since she depended on her caregivers to meet her basic needs, she could not risk them being mad at them, for fear of abandonment. So she turned her angry feelings that were meant for her caregivers, towards herself.

These angry feelings became imprinted onto her psyche and trapped in her body. They caused her to hate herself. In our work I utilize Integrative Psychotherapy and Somatic Experiencing to assist her to sort of this all out, and to restore her mind and body to the state of loving herself.

Pay Attention and Slow it Down

When a woman I work with is getting into a new relationship, I encourage her to pay attention to the “red neon flags,” or behaviors that might indicate that her new partner is controlling. While I recognize that it feels good to fall in love, not paying attention to important warning signs is what could cause a woman to find herself in a relationship with someone who started out as wonderful, but turns out to not respect her in time.

I want to help women choose their relationships, rather than “fall into” them. I always encourage women to talk about their new relationships in sessions, so that together we can decide if the person is worthy of her trust, and matches up to who they say they are.

Women feel empowered when they recognize that they are no longer stuck in a role that was assigned to them years ago. They thrive when they use direct communication skills, speak up for themselves, and command the respect that they deserve.

Women flourish with this new understanding of relationships in combination with direct communication skills. I am honored to support women through this evolutionary process.